I had the day planned out. I was going to see my doctor and then resign from work. It has been extremely stressful and I have been very anxious. I feel very much out of my depth with the job and my personal life does not help. More about me than the job into which, I think, I am growing into.
So all plans set! I was going to ring the doctor for an appointment and then write the letter when I got home. I tried but to no avail. The phone was busy at the doctor’s. Instead, I got a call from work asking if I wanted to fill a shift. I did not but I thought that it all was a pretty clear sign of where things are at!
Not only have I worn a mask most of my life but I have worn it for other people. To act and “be” who they wanted me to be. To be honest, that should be “whom I thought they wanted me to be”. To accept a role and play the part.
In a lot of ways that is how I saw my relationship with God. Accept the role given me and simply do it. The part of me which could not play the part, well, that part was sin. And I needed to repent – turn away from that part, subdue it, kill it, ignore it. So repentance became a battle against “me” fought within “me” against “me”.
Very recently I have been struck by the point that repentance, “turning”, is more meaningful when it is a “turning to Jesus”. It is a simple surrender to Jesus as my only love. Or to put it another day, to desire Jesus above all. So my part is not to fight against me but rather to surrender the “me” to Jesus. Jesus loves me with all my problems and brokenness, with all my failures and hurts. Repentance is not about removing myself from a situation but about seeing Jesus in that situation.
So back to my day! I am not going to resign. I am going to find Jesus in my job. Maybe even in the rude, abusive, and passive-aggressive customers?! I am so much more than my job, or my friends, or my relationships. I am so much more than the “sum of my parts”.
Sometimes (often?) I am glad that God simply does not cooperate with my plans. Sometimes (often?) I am glad that God is in control and sees the bigger picture.